Local teen mistakes ‘New Moon’ for ‘Underworld 4′

Though New Moon is already breaking records and is expected to be a mammoth success for its studio Summit Entertainment, not everybody is so enthralled with the love and devotion of hunky vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and his lovestruck girlfriend Bella (Kristen Stewart).

“I thought I was walking into Underworld 4. All my friends told me that the Cooper 7 was showing Underworld 4 at midnight and that tickets were going fast,” said Shane Fennigan, a junior at Crestfallen High School. “My friends were all ‘Dude, this movie has vampires and Lycans and it’s showing at the Cooper, you should go, nobody knows about it.’ I told them ‘[expletive] yeah!’ and I raced down there.”

Despite the long line of teenage girls at the theater, Fennigan was undaunted. “I thought that there was some discount for suburban goth girls or something. Or that vampires fighting Lycans were starting to catch on,” he said sadly.

The 17-year-old purchased tickets from a scalper outside the theater who gave him a “weird look and a wink.” The self-described “vampire freak” goes by the name “Count Von Suck It” online and posted on his Twitter account that he was about to “Witness the hidden Underworld 4 tonight.”

“I got dressed up like Alexander Corvinus from Underworld: Evolution and waited in line. A lot of the girls were asking me what I was supposed to be and I told them I was the first true Immortal and father of Marcus Corvinus and William Corvinus, as well as an ancestor of Michael Corvin,” Fennigan says. “They looked like they had no idea what I was talking about and asked me what I thought of ‘Jacob’s abs’. I asked them ‘Who the [expletive] is Jacob?’ and that ‘Lycans would feast upon his abs with delight.’ They turned around.”

Fennigan didn’t realize he was set up until the second act on the film. Until then he just thought that the director made another prequel. “Yeah, I was confused, but I was initially confused with Underworld: Rise of the Lycans too.”

“It wasn’t until Bella’s birthday and that poofy-haired kid was going to eat her that I realized this wasn’t Underworld 4,” Fennigan says dejected. “Plus all the cheering when that Edward guy and Jacob walked around. That tipped me off too.”

When asked what he thought of Jacob’s abs now that he saw them, Fennigan replied, “I’m totally straight but Jacob made me have feelings. I can’t say that for Bella. She looked like a 14-year-old boy from 1995.”