New Moon To A T

Folks, I’ve been trying to fight the good fight and convince girls that Twilight is everything evil and nasty in the world, but my efforts have failed. The unfortunate truth is that horny girls and depressed mothers aren’t going to listen to myself, and my colleagues about what atrocious pieces of filmmaking they are or what a poor, sad writer Stephenie Meyer is. So I’ve decided my friends, to tell a story that many a male experienced last night at midnight or will experience over the weekend. This little tale starts with a man taking his lovely lady out for a date, and after taking her to see something more worthwhile, it was the gal’s turn to pick the movie.

“I ain’t wanna see no jibber-jabberin’ vampires or no sucka werewolves,” the man said. “But T, you promised you’d take me to it after sitting through Boondock Saints II,” the woman, Tanya, replied. “Hey now, don’t be disrespecting the Saints. At least they’re helping the kids and keeping the youth center clean!”

T parked his black and red van in the parking lot and escorted Tanya into the movie theater. Always one to plan ahead, T and the lovely Tanya showed the usher the tickets they purchased online and were directed to a line outside the theater. After hours of waiting, and more waiting, the patrons were allowed into the theater to watch New Moon on it’s opening night.

Two hours, fifty thousand little girl screams later, the movie lets out as T and Tanya exited together. Tanya had something of a smile crawl across her face as she said “thanks for the movie T-bear. That was good.” “Ain’t no good woman,” a furious T shouted, “those suckas are destroying little girls and poisoning them with their jibba jabba!” He then turned to a group of middle school girls wearing Edward Cullen shirts. “Hey girls, don’t do this to yaselfs! Get down to the youth center and…youth center! OH NO!”

Faster than Kristen Stewart talks to the floor, T races to the youth center. “Oh if these sucka’s have got to the youth center, some skulls will be cracked,” T murmured to himself as he kicked open the door to the Youth Center. His mouth gaped open, as he looked around at all the Twilight shirts the little girls were wearing. He turned his head to even see a young boy reading Eclipse. “No, no, no, no, no, no,” T said as he dropped to this knees. He grabbed a little girl that walked past him, “Hey girl, did you have your glass of milk?” “No, I had my fix of Timmy Thompson, the cool kid who doesn’t want me.” In a heartbeat, T sprung to his feet and shouted at the top of his lungs, “THAT’S IT! I’M GOIN’ TO FIND THESE TWILIGHT SUCKAS AND CRACK EVERY ONE OF THEIR SKULLS!”

Somewhere in a cathedral, the stars of Twilight and Stephenie Meyer all sit around a round table. Each has red wine in a glass as well as a finely cooked steak in front of them. “My friends, colleagues,” Stephenie began, toasting her glass, “our dream of blood-sucking good values and morals from girls and depressed mothers is almost complete. We’ve…”

Before she can continue, five vampire and werewolf bodies all crash through the walls and land on the table. Everyone turns and sees two more bodies being tossed at them. Stephenie sets her glass down as the dust clears and in it stands T. “Hey fool, who’s the mastermind behind this Twilight jibba jabba!? I pity the fool who created that crap” he shouted. Stephenie stepped forward. “I am, and who in thee hell are you?”

“Name’s T. Mr. T to suckas like you,” Mr. T replied as he gulped down a glass of milk. “And I’ve come to cause pain for destroyin’ the youth centers and little girls!” Stephenie laughed and then snapped her fingers. “Robert. Taylor,” she commanded. At that moment, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner both stepped up from their chairs and walked over to Mr. T. Pattinson snarled to reveal his vampire teeth while Lautner slowly transformed into a werewolf. “You think these clowns can take me? I pity the fool who transforms into a werewolf.” Taylor leaped into the air and growled at Mr. T, who promptly grabbed him and tossed Taylor right though the ceiling and towards the moon.

“Hey fool,” Mr. T hollered at Robert, “You saw what I just did to that werewolf sucka. I suggest you sit down if you don’t want the same to happen to you.” “You’re not going to hurt my Kristen,” Pattinson retorted, before he too leaped at Mr. T. With a furious left hook straight out of Rocky III, Mr. T floored Robert before picking him up and tossing him just as high as he did Taylor, only this time Robert sails over Jupiter.

“Mr. T, wait a minute now,” Stephenie begged as she dropped to her knees, “You’re attacking the wrong person. You should be after all those girls and mothers who bought my property and made it what it was today. Do you think I actually believed I had talent?” Mr. T paused, running his hand through his mohawk. “So you see, it’s not me you should throw helluva far. It’s all those girls waiting in line for New Moon.”

Angered, Mr. T lifted Stephenie from the floor and shouted, “Shut up fool! Girls don’t want domestic violence and suicide! They deserve a man who will take care of them, just like I’m about to do to you!” Mr. T then tossed Stephenie through the roof, past the moon, and into the sun. Mr. T then walked over to Kristen Stewart, who was curdled beneath the table, scared.

“Hey woman,” Mr. T yelled, “I better not catch you in any more films until you take some acting lessons! Even your crying is bland!” “I will Mr. T, I will I promise. You throw helluva far,” Kristen replied before she ran out of the room. “Now time to check on the youth centers,” T said as he revved up his van.

Thirteen seconds later, Mr. T returned to the youth center and walked in. “My goodness children, this is beautiful,” Mr. T began as he looked to see the bon fire of Twilight books and t-shirts. “We’re sorry we didn’t listen to you Mr. T,” Theresa said, “we understand what it is now and that domestic violence and suicide isn’t good. I have too much to live for.” Mr. T smiled, “Good work kids, good work.”

And that’s where this story ends. Mr. T saved the day and ridded the world of Stephenie Meyer and all her evil, and women all across the globe were once again introduced to good, moral values of how they should be treated and respected. But for the real moral of this story, New Moon isn’t the worst film of the year, and that’s the most positive thing I’ll say about it.

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