What’s wrong with Angelina Jolie?

“She’s a prostitute and a shameless hooker-face!,” read one reader’s comment on a celebrity gossip blog. Another one reads “She is a terrible person who is using poor kids to show off her new movie!”
One would think such stinging comments about be attributed to a killer of whale puppies or a corporate CEO, but they’re not. They’re about Angelina Jolie. An actress.

I’m not a fan of celebrity gossip, but I do love to read the usually nonsensical blather that many readers love to leave and it seems Ms. Jolie, for some inexplicable reason, gets more than her fair share of complaints. It seems to stem around her relationship to Brad Pitt, who shockingly avoids being targeted by the roving bands of rabid readers. Is the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt situation from years ago the culprit? Or is it the adoption of children from Africa? Is it because she is rich and beautiful?

While many believe that Jolie is a monster who gives soccer balls to needy children in a region that most have forgotten about, I prefer to think of her as the kind and gentle movie star I have come to love over the years. To remind myself that she is a human, I decided to call her.

A quick Google search later, I find the phone number of her rep. After a few rings I quickly hang-up, since calling Jolie is a bit scary and I’m fine admitting that to you. I pick up the phone and dial again. “Super Cool Public Relations for Angelina Jolie, this is Fontaine, how can I direct your call?”, the androgynous rep asks. With sweat beading down my brow, I manage to utter a few words. “To Angelina Jolie…please.” The silence is deafening and seemingly lasts for hours. “One moment,” she..er..he says.

At this point, I think it’s a prank. Nobody just calls up and asks to speak with Angelina Jol-”This is Angelina. Who am I speaking with?”

Oh crap.

“Oh..uh…hi. I have some questions for you. Do you have a moment?” I nervously ask her. “It will only take a moment. One moment to be specific. That’s all.” She mutters something in Portuguese, which I’m happy to detect since Portuguese is actually Spanish.

She tells me to go screw myself.

That’s not nice at all. Maybe those psychopathic readers are actually on to something. Maybe Jolie is a monster. I sit on the line for a few seconds in disbelief that I actually said something to The Lipped One herself. Then I hear some Arabic, which is certainly not Portuguese. I don’t speak Arabic so I conference in my friend Hashim. Hashim doesn’t speak Arabic but his roommate Chad does.

“Dude, I think she’s talking to Al Qaeda…no wait…it’s actually the Muslim Brotherhood…maybe Hezbollah” Chad says.

NutTyproFFeser3_ was right. Angelina Jolie is a terrible human being. Why is she talking to terrorists? What could the daughter of Jon Voight be up to? We hang up. Chad’s Arabic is tight. Almost as tight as the Portuguese he taught me.

My phone rings.

“This is Angelina Jolie. I just spoke with you,” says the sultry voice on the other end. I get nervous and tell her that it’s great to hear from her. She tells me that she is not a terrorist, which is a relief. “Of course you’re not, I mean, who would think that?,” I say nervously.

She said something about Kabbalah which confuses me and hangs up. I’m not sure who I should call first…Homeland Security or TMZ

Chad says TMZ

Author Bio: Erik Buckman is the Managing Editor of Reelloop.com. He likes movies. And rainbows. Maybe sunshine. Follow him on Twitter.