**This Article is Satirical**

A tabloid paper in Australia recently said that Twilight star Robert Pattinson is a raging drunk and needs to be checked into a rehab clinic post haste. Said paper also stated that Kristen Stewart was pregnant with Pattinson’s baby. We know that’s a lie because the baby was actually fathered by the dad of “Balloon Boy.”

Sources close to Pattinson has already denied claims that the young actor has a drinking problem and as far as the Kristen Stewart story goes…I think any reader with a couple brain cells left probably knows the truth about her non-existent baby…and that Soupy Sales isn’t really dead…or that Michael Jackson liked vaginas.

We decided to tackle this whole “Robert Pattinson is a huge drunkard” story head-on and we were ably to nab a story with Pattinson’s whiskey glass. In the shocking interview, we learn the truth about the New Moon star (kinda) and what he does in his free time.

Reel Loop: I’m sorry, should I give you a moment to clean up?
Robert Pattinson’s Whiskey Glass: No, no lad, I’ll be fine. I’m just waking up from a nap. <burp> Just give me a couple…<burp>

[30 Minutes Later]

Reel Loop: There has been a lot of mention in the press about Robert Pattinson’s drinking habits and that the young actor actually has a drinking problem. Is this true and are you responsible?
Robert Pattinson’s Whiskey Glass: I remember that kid. Sad fellow. Always talked about Jimmy Johns and playing ski-ball. He kept to himself a lot –muttered about girls. Hated people touching his hair –Did I ever tell you about the time I went to get a haircut in a urinal? I was so sloshed, this bloke came in….ugh <vomit>

[30 Minutes Later]

Reel Loop: Did Robert Pattinson ever take a drink from you?
Robert Pattinson’s Whiskey Glass: Lots of people take a drink from me? He’s British, right? They’re all bloody drunks there. Falling over in the street. Vomiting and burping. They have no bloody respect for themselves or the Queen, let alone…oh no, f*ck, I just soiled myself…
Reel Loop: I never would have thought a whiskey glass could soil itself…but there it is…
Robert Pattinson’s Whiskey Glass: You muddafacka, do you want to just sit there and keep asking question or are you going to help me?

[30 Minutes Later]

Reel Loop: Okay, did Robert Pattinson ever take a drink from you? Please answer.
Robert Pattinson’s Whiskey Glass: You know what? Yoooou, frackin’ press boys…leave the guy alone. So what if he likes a drink. What business is it of yours…sitting there in your fancy shirt…wearing pants…I hope you die….I hope I die too. Please take this gun…just…ugh <vomit>

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