Source exposed: The person behind the Megan Fox & Angelina Jolie ‘Barbarella’ bull is…

This Megan Fox/Angelina Jolie Barbarella bullplop is out of control. A day doesn’t go by where I don’t see a report about some nameless source speaking on behalf of the two gorgeous actresses’ supposed feud regarding a remake of the ’60s fantasy classic Barbarella.

The latest news come from a “source” who spoke to MSN regarding the much maligned production. “This will be the first time Ange and Megan have ever faced off for the same role,” the bullshitter said.

“Ange is really feeling the pressure. Ange knows that to win roles she has to look youthful.”

Since Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen took moviegoers hostage for $10.50 a pop, comparisons between the two gossip magnets have been raging like a California wildfire. Sensational headlines range from “Is Megan the new Angelina? They both have black hair!” to “Megan takes over for Tomb Raider since old Angelina is an old, old hag who has her new African children fetch her wine coolers because she is so old.” This begs the question: Who in the blue hell is saying this stuff?

I tracked down the source to an apartment outside the bustling Las Vegas Strip. This mystery source was easy to find. All I had to do was ask my pal Perez. After he was done showing me his new line of gummy bear-studded skirts, he gave me the information. He’s a dick sometimes.

I knocked on the door and a rather attractive brunette answered. She couldn’t look more than 23-years-old and looked liked the chick from that episode of Two and a Half Men who hit on Charlie and was kinda’ weird. No, not the crazy neighbor who went on to play Matt Damon’s wife in The Informant!. The other one.

I tell her who I am and she feigns ignorance. I then tell her that I have found out she was the source behind all the Barbarella nonsense with Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie. She asks me if I had seen Jennifer’s Body and if I liked it. An odd question but being a high-profile film critic, I get asked this a lot. “No. No I didn’t,” I say. She wrinkles her nose and asks me to come in.

The dilapidated house she lives in smells like Thai food which is one of the many references used by Diablo Cody in Jennifer’s Body for fornicating.

It’s awkward going in but hardcore American journalists get captured in North Korea and Iran all the time so the least I could do was walk into this disgusting sty. Maybe I’m just as dumb as them. She offers me a drink and I graciously accept. I’m offered milk or 7Up. I can’t drink milk without thinking of Malcolm McDowell dancing around and raping women.

“7UP would be delightful.”

Me: Like I said at the door, I believe you to be the one that major news sources, who have been turning themselves into gossip mongers, have been calling “source.” I think you are the one spreading information about the Barbarella remake and some obnoxious feud with Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox. Where did you get your information?
Source: Well, I’m like, a totally big fan of Angelina Jolie. Did you see her in Original Sin? Amazing.
Me: I did. Well, actually one scene from it…online. You’re a big fan of Jolie?
Source: The biggest! Some say that I, I mean Megan Fox, is a lot like her. I wish I could act like her. She’s so amazing. So beautiful.
Me: Did you just say “I” like in “I’m Megan Fox and I love Angelina?”
Source: What? No. That would be crazy, I mean I’m not Megan Fox. Would I live in such a dump if I was Megan Fox? Transformers made like, a bazillion dollars.
Me: Good point. So anyway, back to Barb-

Just then, a Bluetooth-clad kid in a jumpsuit came in and gave “Source” a wad of cash which was wound up with a rubber band. “There’s yo’ cut, Foxy,” the man said in perfect in Ebonic vernacular. Quite impressive given that the young man is white and is carrying a lacrosse stick.

“Source” puts the cash in her bra.

Source: So yeah, if I was Megan Fox I wouldn’t be here.

She knocks over her purse and a bunch of photos pour out. Oddly, the photos look like Megan Fox’s Rolling Stone cover. They look like unused test shots.

Me: How did you get those?
Source: My Rolling Stone photo-shoot.
Me: …What?
Source: I mean…the internet.
Me: I think you’re Megan Fox!
Source: No, I’m not!

The front door opens and a 50-something guy politely pops his head in. “Hi Megan. It’s 1:30. I’m here for my appointment,” the man says while holding out a bottle of mustard. Weird.

Source: One sec, baby. I’m almost done here.
Me: Holy…

The kid with the lacrosse stick comes back in the room and tells the man at the front door that the price has gone up to $40 and the two start to argue.

Source: That Barbarella shit is for real. Megan Fox is going to land that role!
Me: Well that’s just the thing. There isn’t a Barbarella project since Rose McGowan left. Even that was debatable.
Source: I’m done here. &$%# you and *@# Jolie too!

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Author Bio: Erik Buckman is the Managing Editor of Reelloop.com. He likes movies. And rainbows. Maybe sunshine. Follow him on Twitter.