Disney princess and pop star Miley Cyrus was reportedly “drunk off her butt” at an Argo Tea in Chicago over the weekend. According to fabricated sources, the 17-year-old, best known for playing Hannah Montana the musician, was drinking “gallons” of bubble tea and became belligerent with staff.
“Miley went up to the counter and asked for a handful of napkins,” says a source that was actually next door at a Starbucks. “The tea-maker-person was all ‘I ain’t got no napkins, Miley, so you can go back to your seat.’ Miley was so rude to her. She asked if there were paper towels. What a b*tch. How can you ask for paper towels if all the napkins are gone? Don’t you think the tea-maker-person would have offered paper towels if paper towels were available? Ugh. Miley Cyrus needs to get a grip and stop the insanity. It’s 2010, not 1992.”
According to Hanson Jumperson, a nearby professional shoe polisher who will get your shoes “f*cking clean for a rock, Miley Cyrus was “so drunk that friends started asking her if she were okay.”
“Yeah, all her friends were like ‘Miley, are you okay? I’ll go to Starbucks and get you some towels’ and Miley was all ‘I’m fine guys, this bubble tea is going straight to my head. I need to sing or somethin’ and give Hanson Jumperson my purse full of money and bonds.’ She didn’t,” says Jumperson, distraught. “Even after I asked her. Hell, I even tried to remove it from her because I’m a gentleman. She was drunk.”
Cyrus was in Chicago promoting her latest single Can’t Be Tamed. A song the customers at Argo Tea were not in the mood for.
“I used to like Miley,” said Jennifer Turt, a sophomore at York High School. “She sang the best songs, had killer moves and wore the classiest booty shorts I have ever, ever seen. But when I saw her actually get up to throw away her empty drink, I was floored. What kind of person throws her drink away in a trash can? She’s is definitely the worst person in the world. I hope she gets run over by an airplane.”
Miley Cyrus’ third studio album, Can’t Be Tamed, is scheduled for release on June 22, 2010.